so i had a crappy day today.
i had plans to meet up with a guy tonight that i haven't seen in a couple of weeks because we can't seem to match our schedules. last night i get a message "tomorrow i won't work...". so i go to sleep thinking he is taking an extra day off (he's going out of town tomorrow) and i should wake up early so i can go see him. so i get up, i get cute, i start to think. why didn't he say "let's meet at this time, or let's do this, or call me and we'll figure something out..." oh, that's because the message actually said "tomorrow won't work" there was no i. i am psychotic and i imagined it.
so i could have slept in, and not curled my hair and put on makeup, but it's too late for that now, so, what? well, it's wed. the one friend i have works on wed. so i get in my car. where am i going? probably the movies. that's what i do on my days off. wonder why i have no friends and go to the movies by myself. i've had things to keep me busy for the last couple of weeks-- i got to go to new york and see heather--so i forgot how much i hate my days off, even though i count down to them all week. instead of the movies, i go the opposite way to the community center. i think maybe if i take a class i will feel smarter and have more to offer. also something to take up my time to feel sorry for myself. yeah, they offer 2 classes. they're both yoga. so i head to the community college. i saw a friend there who directed me to admissions. i was doing fine until he left. i made it all the way to the applications, back to the list of classes posted on the wall, and even glanced at the hall leading to the counselors before i bolted. by the time i got to my car i could hardly breathe. crying and dry heaving, i realized--i have college phobia. i have conquered my fear of crowds for the most part, i still have a low self-esteem though not many people can tell, but i can't fake confidence on a college campus. it really freaks me out.
as soon as i got myself together i went to the movies. i don't know why i try to fight it. it's my destiny.
